Learning Balance

Only about a month into going back to working part time and I find myself slightly frustrated...at myself!  I snapped at my girls today, Ickey in particular.  She was really enjoying some playtime with other kids while I was working and she didn't want to leave when it was time to go back home.  You figured after five years of motherhood, I should already know how to handle my children's meltdowns.  Ickey was hungry, tired and hot since she needed a bath and I still got angry...infact, very angry.  It was wrong and I did say sorry to her later when we both calmed down but I knew it was me who needed to step back and do a self-examination so I wont put my girls through meaningless rants like I did tonight just because I forgot that I'm a mom first before anything else and no matter how tired I get from all my endeavors, I'm the one with the maturity to know what battles to choose and which ones to let go.  Tonight should have been one to just let go...

I remembered last week when I had the chance to enjoy the park for a few hours, the girls were having fun with the other kids they just met and the parents were equally enjoying the other parent's company.  I sat in the park bench by myself trying to be discreetly invisible so that the girls can play freely and without distractions.  I took one picture that day...it was a picture of myself...my shadow.  Looking back, taking that picture probably had more meaning than what I originally intended.  Today, I realized that I am but a shadow of what I once thought the kind of mother I was going to be.  I know it seems I let myself down frequently when it comes to my parenting skills but it's just a way for me to realize that experiences like these do me good because they help me figure out the kinks...kinda' like putting gold through fire for purification.  Today's lesson....that there's definitely a need to learn balance once again, knowing where to place each facet of a life that seems to be at a faster pace at the moment because it's necessary.  

I know Ickey forgave me for snapping at her today...it's forgiving myself that's a long process but I know it's just another learning curve in this challenging road of motherhood.....now let me get up and dust myself off...again!